This week on “Mad Men,” everybody has a secret, a cute dress and a panic attack. Desperation is the mood of the day … there’s even more bereft staring into space than usual. In other words, another excellent episode.

Play-by-play:

:00 I’m super glad to see Pete show up in the “previously on ‘Mad Men’” because it means he’ll be back this week. I know he’s deeply flawed, but Pete might be my favorite character to watch on this show. It must be the actor, Vincent Kartheiser. Has he been nominated for an Emmy? (I don’t think so …)

:01 That little water bird is back. What does it mean …

:01 Joan is late!! I KNEW IT.

:02 Roger: “Have you had a rabbit test?”

:02 Aside: Ever since my family upgraded from a 20-year-old, military-surplus computer monitor to a real TV, I’m constantly struck by how gorgeous Joan is.

:02 Two minutes in, I’m already so sad for her character. Joan really wants to have a baby, she was worried about her fertility because of her previous two (or three?) abortions. Now, I’m predicting that she’s going to have a bad abortion that will make her infertile. Because nothing good ever happens to these people.

:03 Holy cats. Joan is dominating that blouse.

:03 Don to Sally via telephone: “Do you think your friends are going to be jealous when they find out you’re going to see the Beatles on Sunday at Shea Stadium?” Um, I’m jealous. What mortifying thing is Sally going to do at the Beatles concert?

:04 Oh, right, Lane’s son is coming into town. He’s British. I’ll be he goes to the Beatles concert and is part of whatever mortifying thing Sally does. (I’m turning into Miss Cleo over here …

Call me now!)

:04 Lane and I were both wrong. His son isn’t here. His dad is. To bring Lane home. To rebuild his marriage. (Lane’s marriage fell apart because his wife didn’t want to live in the U.S. They were only supposed to be here temporarily, but then Lane founded a new ad agency.)

:06 Hmmm. Lane just had a stuffed Mickey Mouse. And now there’s a client in talking about Anaheim. A defense contractor?

:07 Why does Lane want Don to go with him to take his dad out to dinner? The last time we saw Lane and Don out on the town, Don was picking up prostitutes.

:08 Wow. They’re at the Playboy Club. Gross. Lane is a “keyholder,” a member, and you can tell he thinks he’s a pimp. I can totally see Lane joining the Playboy Club as a way to wear the cool-guy costume. He wants to be Don.

:09 Lane is manhandling an African American bunny. They just exchanged a look. Don is humoring Lane, but Lane’s dad and I are not impressed.

:10 Why is the Department of Defense inquiring at Don’s old house?

:10 OH SNAP. They’re running a security check on Don because of that defense client. “Routine background check.” Will Betty tell them that the real Don Draper is dead? Will they tell Betty how adorable her lemon yellow sun dress is? Because it is.

:11 The feds are only worried about whether Don is a radical or a commie, but when they ask, “Do you have any reason to believe that Mr. Draper isn’t who he says he is?” — Betty needs that fainting couch she bought last season.

:12 Betty called Don to tell him what happened. They’re both sweating and freaking out. Now they’re worried that their phones are tapped …

:13 (Megan the new secretary has an adorable dress, too.) Don wants to see Pete as soon as he gets back from lunch. Is that because he’s afraid Pete will rat him out? Or because Pete is the account executive on the new account? They’re in different situations now. Pete is a partner at the firm, I think, even though his name isn’t on the door.

:18 Is Lane dating that Bunny ? I think so, he just called her, “my chocolate bunny.” Wow. They’re in love. (Is she in love? Really? With Lane?)

:19 Joan wore a phenomenal dress to get an abortion referral from Roger’s doctor. DON’T DO IT, JOAN.

:20 Aside, again: This is the first time I’ve watched this show in HD. I didn’t think it would make a difference, but Pete’s eyes have never looked so blue. And his hair has never looked so slick.

:20 Don signed a form to give the “G-men” permission to snoop around. Pete: “Why did you fill out the form?” Don: “Megan did. And I signed it without looking because that’s what I do.”

:20 I hadn’t considered how bad this could be. (Neither had Pete.) But Don’s freaked out that the Feds might interview the real Don Draper’s family. Don’s ready to leave the agency if he has to.

:21 Pregnant Joan is lighting up. Roger thinks maybe they should get together — but only if she has an abortion. He’s OK with Joan keeping the baby if she stays with her husband. “Lots of G.I.s came home to a little surprise, no one did the math.” And then Roger says something like, hey, maybe your husband won’t make it home.

This makes me think that Roger is a great guy to have around during a mugging (last week) but not in a more thinky crisis.

:22 Joan says she’s having an abortion. I have a terrible, terrible feeling about this.

:24 It’s so strange to see Don and Pete talk so openly about Don’s stolen identity. Pete is such an unlikely ally. He’s the only person on the show who ever threatened to blow Don’s cover. They’re arguing in an elevator about how serious this is, and Don says, “It’s desertion.” Again, I’d never thought about that, that besides stealing someone else’s identity, Don is a deserter.

:25 Don wants Pete to let the client go. Good luck, Don. Remember at the beginning of the season when Pete was supposed to fire his father in law, and instead he brought home more business than ever?

:30 Joan’s waiting at the doctor’s office with a woman and her 17-year-old daughter. Ouch. The woman thinks that Joan must be there with her daughter, too, and Joan just goes along with it.

:32 Faye. I forgot about Faye.

:34 Lucky Strike just fired the agency. That creepy, closeted Lucky Strike guy took Roger out to dinner. Does this mean that Sal can come back? Don’t have a heart attack, Roger. You could still possibly have a baby on the way.

:37 Watching Don have an anxiety attack (I think it’s an anxiety attack) is really unsettling. You forget that this is an actor. Especially when all of his veins are popping like that.

Yet another thing that just occurred to me: Maybe Faye isn’t the best person for Don to date if he’s dealing with the feds. Isn’t her dad a mobster or something? Maybe that’s how he’ll get out of this mess. The mob will deal with the feds, then Don will owe them a favor. So he’ll come up with a killer tagline for them, like, “Let us make you an offer you can’t refuse.” Or, “Do iiiiit.”

:42 Oh, geez. Lane really is dating that Playboy bunny. He’s trying to get his dad to go out to dinner with the two of them, but his dad isn’t interested. Lane thinks he’s being racist. I was all prepared to tell Lane to cut his dad some slack; the guy only came to New York to bring Lane back to his family … BUT THEN LANE’S DAD WALLOPED HIM WITH A CANE. No wonder Lane is such a creepy weasel.

MAN. I would have said that Lane deserved to get smacked in the head with a cane. But now that I’ve seen it happen …

:45 Trudy is wearing her own Playboy Bunny outfit. She looks like a pregnant cupcake. And yet? Also kind of adorable.

:46 Joan. On a bus. Looking tearful. That could mean anything.

:48 Do you think Don can trust Faye with his secret? I think maybe he can …. He just told her, so I hope so.
(I’m really shocked that he told her.)

:54 What happens to the agency if they lose Lucky Strike and this $4 million defense account?

:56 Did Joan go through with the abortion? I still can’t tell. She said to Roger, “We averted a tragedy.” Which could go both ways. And then, “Life goes on.” Which could go both ways.

:57 DANG. Pete is letting go of North American Aviation. AND he’s taking the fall. He says it’s his fault. Now Don owes Pete a favor. Pete might be more dangerous than the mob.

:58 Lane’s going back to London. I don’t care.

1:00 Oh, the Beatles tickets just showed up! Let’s trade Lane for the Beatles!

The episode ends with Don checking out Megan — because there’s no rehabilitating him — and with an instrumental version of “Do You Want to Know a Secret” by the Beatles — because even “Mad Men” can’t get the rights to Beatles songs.